Tag: enneagram

Enneagram Series: Sarah’s Story As An Enneagram Nine

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Hey everyone,
I have some pretty big news today! My good friend Sarah Gittens has graciously agreed to contribute to my series on the Enneagram and she has shared below what it is like to be an Enneagram Nine!
Sarah was one of the first friends that I met at my church and she is without a doubt one of the sweetest, wisest, and most genuine souls you could ever care to meet. She is also low-key an expert on all things Enneagram—making her the perfect person to help me out with this series! So without further ado, here is Sarah’s post!
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What do you want?
I’m guessing the vast majority of you have an immediate response. 1) A latte to wake up. 2) A life partner to wake up with. 3) A raise or a new job. 4) A better phone or 5) A new pair of jeans that make your butt look good. 6) All of the above. I’m quite certain that most of you can answer, without hesitation, regardless of how you approach the question.
If you’re a nine, you most likely paused. You probably thought about what the person is really asking. Considered all possible answers and the various outcomes of those answers that would fall on the ears of anyone listening. You’ve wondered how vulnerable you can be or even want to be. You’ve wondered how it would make them feel? How they might respond? How will it impact this moment or future moments? You may even have an answer but instead:
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*Responds to a question with a question
“I don’t really know.”
“I’m good with whatever.”
[insert whatever you think is safe to say]
As a nine, I am easy going, generally content, interested, happy to listen, patient, a day dreamer, accepting, a natural mediator, passionate, and I value others. I am also avoidant, people pleasing, procrastinating and have lived most of my life unaware of my inability to value one person: myself.
The truth? I DO know what I want. The problem? The answer has always been buried by a million thoughts of what you and you and you want. Does what you want clash with what I want? How would you feel? Would you feel insecure, happy for me, upset with me or jealous? How would you respond? Would you judge me, be kind or discard me? We know what we want.. but what we want has become lost or buried.
We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves—a strong sense of their own identity.
When I started reading the above paragraph, I loved it. When I hit the last sentence I hated it. I hated it because I knew it was true. When I went away to college, I realized I didn’t know myself and I spent the next several years trying to find who I was, what I liked, and why I liked it. I didn’t realize how often I stayed silent and when I did speak up I said things I heard rather than believed or felt. I was in there, but I had fallen asleep. I thought I had made so much progress and maybe in certain areas I had…
Awakening. This is how I would describe the time since I learned I was a nine in July of 2018. The enneagram reminded me that I matter and yes, I know I matter. I have grown up in church. I know Jesus loves me. I can quote Psalm 139. I can tell you with tremendous conviction that YOU matter, YOU are loved, and YOU are believed in. I know I matter but do I know? Do I believe it?
We will always be a work in progress, but asking myself what I want has been both liberating and terrifying. It has made me more vulnerable to the negative emotions that accompany disappointment, but has also been a catalyst for practicing genuine gratitude. My ability to reframe negative situations into positive emotions is a wonderful gift, but too often I settled for a facade of peace. I settled for the background [of my own life] even though I matter [as much as the next person] to receive love, be seen, and achieve success. Courage may look a bit different for everyone, but for me, it has been actively believing and praying for things I had let die, fade or been too afraid to want.
I don’t think I’ll ever possess the natural self confidence I admire in others. I used to want it. I tried to emulate it. However, I’ve noticed that my motivation has never been from a place of self confidence (because it never actually comes), but I will act from a place of conviction. In the midst of all this self reflection is a realization that I need to believe I matter and have value. A knowledge won’t suffice, rather I need that seed of truth to take root. It is in this truth, “I matter,” that this 9w1 day dreamer is free to hope again. Free from the weight of doing or being what others expect. Free to ask herself, “what do I want?”
To [me and] my fellow 9s: You can be happy even when others aren’t happy for you, because your happiness matters. You can be upset when you’re mistreated, because your feelings matter. You can speak up, because your thoughts, opinions and the many perspectives you effortlessly see all matter. You do not have to hide or diminish for the benefit of anyone else because your presence matters. Actually, we benefit when you don’t hide. We benefit when you speak up. We shine better when you shine. You are not selfish for wanting anything, because you matter. So tell us, what do you want?

If you know your Enneagram number, and would like to contribute a post for this series, please contact me at courtneymwhitaker@gmail.com or shoot me a DM @authorcourtney1 on Instagram. I can’t wait to hear your stories

Enneagram Series: My Story As An Enneagram One

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Hey fam!! I am officially starting a new blogging series on the Enneagram. I know a lot of Christians who are interested in this particular personality test and its intersection with personal growth and our faith journey, so I am doing this series to highlight the journeys of various individuals with various personality types. I pray that this series serves as a testimony to God’s goodness and the ways that the Lord has helped us overcome struggles in our lives. 

Note: Personalities tests do not define us, but they do help us to better understand ourselves and those around us. For example, if a person claims to be an introvert it gives us the understanding that they need time alone to re-energize. This does not handicap them from socializing; it merely tells us about an important facet of their personality and the way that they were created and designed. The same goes for the Enneagram. 

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Most of us can remember at least bits and pieces from our childhood days. The days when we were young, and still trying to find our place in this world. The times that molded us and shaped us. The fragments of our personality that bled into our adult-selves. In many ways, our younger selves give us a glimpse into the person we are becoming. And I know that for me personally, I can see this principle at play in my own life, looking back on my younger, childhood self. 

I can still remember times as a kid when I’d literally go to tears when I missed a word on a spelling test, to the absolute befuddlement of my parents, who thought I did fine. I also remember times when I, for the sheer enjoyment of it, lined up my crayons in perfect rainbow order (descending from red to purple) and feeling a sense of satisfaction in my accomplishment. In my young, childhood brain, there was a right way of doing pretty much everything—including arranging crayons.

This tendency, though eventually taking a more mature form, eventually found itself re-emerging throughout my teenage years. 

I can remember putting pressure on myself with nearly every task that I took on. In my schoolwork, I strived to make straight A’s. In my writing, I wanted every sentence to sound perfect—regardless of whether anyone actually ever saw it or not. When I was on the yearbook team, I wanted my pictures to be lined up just-so. And when I had chances to sing on stage, act in a play, or give a speech, I practiced nearly to the point of insanity.

In some ways, this perfectionist-streak likely protected me from a lot of pain, heartache, and regrets. I never smoked. I never drank. I never had any regrets when it came to my interactions with the opposite sex. However, it was also easy for me to fall into other sins and issues that were less public and easier to hide, such as pride and self reliance. After all, grace was for the people who sinned ‘big’. For drug addictions and teen pregnancies. Not for the Christian ‘church girl’ who spends her free time swimming in the ocean of words.* Somewhere in my subconscious, I felt that if I could just put my all into everything I did and avoid making mistakes, I could find approval from God and others and avoid the pain that comes from falling short. But little by little, God began to show me the gaping cracks in my try-hard ways.

I began to see how even in small ways, I too often fall short of my own standards—and wear myself out in the process of trying to achieve perfection. But I also began to see that God’s love truly is big enough to cover me completely. And I began to realize just how unfailing and unchanging His love really is. 

I began to really see on a heart level (beyond head knowledge) that God doesn’t love us any more if we’re ‘good’ and He doesn’t love us any less when we fall short. I began to realize that when God looks down He sees me in all of my shortcomings and imperfections and still sees me as someone worth dying for. I began to see that as I stand before God, and as I pour out my heart to Him I don’t have to be the smart one, the good one, or the responsible one, but that instead, I can just be me. The real me, not the me that an overly critical ‘inner voice’* tells me I have to be in order to survive this thing called life.

In the words of an old song by Laura Story, “I can be scattered, frail and shattered, Lord I need You now to be, be my God, so I can just be me.”

I also, through this process learned what it means to see the lost and the broken and the prodigal as people not-so-unlike-me. To recognize that life is more than just a list of rules, and that God’s love goes deeper than the differences that exist between us. And to see the potential in people that too often, the church and society have written off. To see God’s fingerprints on each and every person that crosses my path.

Today, as a twenty-one-year-old college junior, I realize I am no longer the same perfectionistic, stressed-out girl that I was when I was younger. Sure, I still sometimes struggle with perfectionism. And yes, I do still sometimes put pressure on myself. But no longer do I see myself as the sum total of my grades, accomplishments, and high standards. Instead, I have learned to recognize myself as a child of God who does not need to be perfect to be loved by God and the people around me. And this, has made all the difference.

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“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” – Matthew 11:28-30 (TPT). 

*Translation: The girl who’s low-key obsessed/addicted to books.

*Inner Voice definition – a term in Enneagram language used to describe that voice inside of you that constantly tells you to be better and reprimands you when you do something wrong. Enneagram Ones have an extremely loud ‘inner voice’.

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If you know your Enneagram number, and would like to contribute a post for this series, please contact me at courtneymwhitaker@gmail.com or shoot me a DM @authorcourtney1 on Instagram. I can’t wait to hear your stories!